Lonely/ Where have all the good friends gone?

This has got to be the worst day of the year. Ok so if you don't know me then I'll fill you in on a few things before I start ranting.

My brother-in-law died two years ago today, yep that's right he died on Valentines Day. It was a long 5 year battle with a brain tumor and Ian lost.

So I've been feeling sad about that, then there's the endless advertising that says if you don't have anyone on Valentines Day, you're pathetic.

So for the past few weeks I've been feeling like crap. So what do you do when you feel like crap, other than turn to chocolate and Ben and Jerry. You turn to your friends, and that's where this blog came from.

I've never had that many friends, when I was public schooled (that was Kindergarten to Grade 3) I was very individualistic, which is a nice way for saying weird. I wasn't the popular one, I definitely didn't wear the right clothes (those the evil popular one did once tell me she wanted my nice dresses, What a good day), I was outspoken and VERY opinionated, but I had a few good friends. One happened to be one of the most liked girls in school, no I change that she was THE most liked girls in school. I remember one time she got sooo frustrated and sad just because she didn't want to let anyone down but she obviously couldn't hang out with everyone. I didn't have quantity but I sure did have quality.

After grade three I found out my mother was planning on home schooling me and boy I was not excited about that, I mean everyone knows that homeschooler's are freaks (no offence intended, but at that age I thought it was true and most of them were). Well I drifted away from most of my friends from school, but I became really good friends with one other girl who happened to be starting home schooling at the same time (she actually was one of the most liked girls of her grade too, by the boys at less) we became really close and were nearly inseparable.
In grade 5 I joined a dance group (sorry if this isn't the right term but I can't remember what the proper term is), that experience was one of the best things in my life. I was near my friends doing a thing I loved, it was so sad then we broke up.

That was 6 years ago, since then my friend and I have become so distant. We were best friends and now I can't even remember the last time I talked to her.
So that's one down, a few more to go. That'll be the longest part of this, she's the one I'm most sorry about losing.

About 4 years I met another woman that changed my life, she was 5 years older than me but you wouldn't know it by the way she treated me. I was use to being treated like I was inferior, when I was with older people, but not with her. She became my older sister, and I'll never forget her. About a year ago something happen that really affected her and she doesn't want to be reminded of it so since I was the person that caused it. She gently took me out of her life. She maybe gone now, but there's always a place in my heart for her.

Last weekend one of my not so close friends told me something that has really affected me and prompted me to write this. She told me that a mutual friend had mentioned to her that she was creeped out by me. Now this normally wouldn't bug me at all, I can be very weird. But the reason she gave was some thing I had done over 6 years ago, and had since redeemed myself for it. So just to repeat what happened, she's been creeped out with me for 6 years and never told me! I guess that explains why we haven't talked for a while.

And my last friend to rant about. We have been friends for a while, close friends. What is the one thing that you would never expect from a close friend? Have you figured it out? Well she uses me. Not your normal, I'm hanging out with her so I can she him, no she goes to the next level. Now no one's perfect I don't expect her to be. But if she's doing something I don't think is right I'll tell her. She gets so mad she ignores me for however long it takes to get me to come crawling back to her. Not only will she ignore me but she'll also bad mouth me (in front of me, no less) and just be bitchy. Now as I said above I don't have many friends and I really rely on my friends and I'm really close to them. So when she does this, it really hurts. Then when I've finally decided I can't stand it and decide to cut off the friendship. She warms up to me, last time it happen I asked her why she had done it, she told me she didn't like the way I'd been acting. Now the fact that she does this doesn't bother her at ALL.

So lets take count, one friend I'm VERY distant with, one friend who's cut off communication with me, one who's not talking to me because of something in my past, and one friend who when she doesn't like what I have to say will ignore me.

Wow what good friends I have, now I'll have you see that none of those people were guys, they were ALL GIRLS. I have limited problems with my guy friends because if they have a problem with me, they suck it up or they tell me and then it's over.

Now I may have some bad friends. But I have some WONDERFUL friends who without I'd be lost, I love you guys.